Deni, an interview
Photo by Chris West
Deni recently released the single, “ruiner,” ahead of her upcoming EP, i was like a child, which touches upon the ideas of self-criticism, the taming of one’s negative voices, and, ultimately, self-love. As she was fresh off another tour with Darlingside, we managed to track her down and ask her some questions…
UpToHear: Where are you from and how did you get your start?
Deni: I’m from a really small town in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I was in a lot of choirs when I was a kid and I played piano and sang for as long as I can remember. When I was sixteen, I got my first laptop and immediately recorded a cover of “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap in GarageBand. I fell madly in love with production and being able to make creative decisions in arrangements. I wrote every single day. I can vividly remember sitting in my childhood bedroom with my handheld RockBand USB mic (like — from the video game...) and learning how to multi-track and doing it almost all day every day. I think I’ve always been inspired by vocal layering and using the voice in inventive, textural ways.
UpToHear: You are a founding member of indie folk band The Western Den and a frequent touring member/ collaborator with Darlingside. With all the folk in your life, how did you arrive upon alt pop as the genre for your solo material?
Deni: I was really lucky to have spent eight years in the Boston folk music scene - even working for a short time at the legendary folk venue Club Passim in Harvard Square. And I also always felt on the outskirts of it all.
First of all, my primary instrument is piano/synth, which definitely struggles to find a sonic place inside of folkier soundscapes. Secondly, I have always gravitated to pretty maximalist, cinematic music. I grew up listening to film scores and musical theater. My mom loved Joni Mitchell, but my dad loved disco/ electronica. I think you can hear that influence in the way I write now. My evolution inside of my music was more of a returning to my inner self - less of a taste-based metamorphosis and more of a journey home.
UpToHear: “ruiner” was written over the course of a year. Where does your patience come from and do you have any that you could sell to us?
Deni: Haha, well my patience is new to me too. And it didn’t really feel like “patience” at the time. I think as soon as I started writing this song, I knew it needed time. And I felt frustrated by that - thoughts of “WHY CAN’T I WRITE THIS SONG ALREADY?”
The concept was formed after a really big cry to my husband about how I’m so afraid that I negatively impact the space and people around me - that I ruin things. And he suggested that I put the feelings in a song and that the song should be called “ruiner.” My mental health coach often utilizes the therapeutic theory of IFS (Internal Family Systems) - which is the concept that there are several versions of you each playing a different role in your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. And that they are all deserving of love and acceptance. They are all serving a specific purpose. One of my roles is the “ruiner.”
The verses came first - in the middle of a dark, self-doubt spiral. I was just recognizing that I could separate from my inner critic. And yet the inner critic returned, over and over and over again. And so, the chorus came next in a moment of exasperation. Eruption. Anger. Recognizing. This eruption aligned with my recognition of my addiction to alcohol - and only then could the last section finally find its way out:
“I’m taking care of myself for once in my life
(What are you so scared of, darling?)
(Come out.)
(I know, my love.)
(It’s so much better now.)”
The whole song is a conversation. A shedding of layers and layers of skin. Years and years of repression and self-loathing. An invitation to my inner “ruiner” to come out of the shadows and allow herself to be seen and loved. And to know that she/I never ruined anything at all.
UpToHear: The lyrics for “ruiner” are deeply personal, yet we can completely empathize with them. Does this detract from the relationship you have to your work? Or are you simply happy to reach people who might also be living with similar struggles?
Deni: Oh, I love hearing that so much!! I’m so glad “ruiner” resonated with you. This is my favorite part of being a musician - to write about a feeling, any feeling, and have someone say, “I feel the exact same way.” I think it’s particularly special when the shared experience is a feeling of self-doubt and isolation. I’m sad that we both have to feel such hard things, and also absolutely overjoyed at the reminder that isolation is an illusion. It’s a feeling that loses power as soon as you share it with someone else. Safety in saying it out loud. Safety in numbers. And even safety in struggling as long as we finally admit that we’re all doing it together.
UpToHear: Your EP, i was like a child, will release in late October. Can we expect more singles before then?
Deni: Yes! My next single, “i could have been,” will be out everywhere on October 6th. And the full EP, i was like a child, is coming out October 27th. Oh I am just so so so so so so SO excited!
You all are going to love the sounds of “ruiner,” and we are truly delighted to share it with you here today. Do yourself a favor and check out i was like a child when it releases next month!
-HD